Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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