I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
