I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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