I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Can i not drive my cunt home
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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