Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
