She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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