Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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