Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Is it penis luge time yet?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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