tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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