you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
