Will you blow on my dice?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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