I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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