Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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