My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
