just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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