Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
