My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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