We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
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