You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Randomize
