i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
