the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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