I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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