For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
