Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
