I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
i've created a new STD.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
