last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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