I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I cut my penus on the lid.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Randomize
