I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
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