my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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