Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
