He uses pillows to masturbate.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
