I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
