I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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