New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
