My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
