We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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