Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
