I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
