I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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