Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
My ATM looks so different sober.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
