My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
