You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
