Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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