bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
