I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
