i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
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