It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
