i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
