an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
