just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
