I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
