i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Randomize
