No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
